Bush said he will revamp Head Start, the federally funded but chronically underfunded preschool education program. Head Start has been around for three-and-a-half decades. It has been proven in many studies to improve the educational chances of low-income children. It is one of the few federal programs praised by both liberals and conservatives, which happens about as often as Draco Malfoy hugs Harry.

But with annual funding of $6.4 billion, Head Start still reaches just 923,000 young children, about 60 percent of those eligible, according to the Children's Defense Fund. The CDF says that getting to 80 percent enrollment and improving teacher quality would cost an additional $2.1 billion. That would-be increase is less than 5 percent of Bush's proposed boost for military spending. Alas, defending children is a pale priority next to Defense Against the Dark Arts.

The sorting hat ceremony was nerve-racking enough for Harry Potter at age 11, desperate not to be sent to the snide and sinister Slytherin. Now President Bush wants it for 3-, 4-, and 5-year-olds. The administration swears it is not subjecting post-toddlers to standardized tests. Bush's domestic potions, er, policy adviser, Margaret Spellings, said, ''Testing like you do of school-age children is certainly not appropriate.''

Putting preschoolers under the sorting hat without opening the vault at Gringotts is like ordering them to find the Golden Snitch on a sputtering Nimbus 2000. Bush promises magic while being as annoying as Draco Malfoy, as two-faced as Professor Quirrell and Lord Voldemort, and as cruel as the Dursleys, the wizardphobes who locked Harry under the stairs. Bush's sorting hat is not meant to find any new Harry Potters. His plan for Head Start only confirms that as he promises Hogwarts, he creates mystified Muggles.